This time last year....

Well, this time last year (5.20pm) Isaac had been born.  I was laying in a bed in a room on the delivery suite and was in complete shock! 

I woke this morning and my first thought was, my baby is 1 today.  At that time last year (about 9am) i was laying in a different hospital bed on the post natal ward.  I had no idea at all that i would be a mummy by the time the day was over and i had no idea how ill i was or what would be happening.  I was waiting for another scan and as far as i knew it would be just like the one the day before which showed Isaac quite happy and moving around, showed his heartbeat happily beating away and all was good. 

But all changed!  Just after lunchtime i was taken for a scan to look at Isaac's blood flow, and it wasn't good.  Because i had pre eclampsia and my blood pressure was so high, Isaac was getting reverse blood flow through the cord.  It was going through with such pressure that it was bouncing back.  At 1pm they came to tell me this, and that i would have to have a c section and that Isaac would be born today.  I was 26+4 weeks and i panicked.  But we had no choice really.  If he stayed where he was he was getting such a small amount of blood that he was getting little oxygen and he would have died. 

Just before 3pm they took me to the theatre and at 3.50pm on 10th August 2010 Isaac was born weighing just 1lb 13oz.  He was small but perfectly formed.  The neonatal consultant came to talk to us beforehand and said that he would not cry, he may not have eyebrows or eyelashes and probably wouldnt have fingernails or toenails and he wouldn't open his eyes.  Not because there was anything wrong with him, just because he was so early and should still be developing. 

He didn't cry.  We never heard him cry.  But he did have eyebrows and eyelashes, he had fingernails and toenails and when they showed me him for the first time for a few fleeting seconds before whisking him away to the neonatal unit, he opened his eyes and looked straight at me :) 

Today is such a strange day.  I can't help looking back at this time last year.  This time last year i was still in shock.  I had seen my baby boy for about 5 seconds and i was waiting for the transport team who said they would bring him in to see me after they had transferred him to the transport pod before transferring him to the other hospital.  But i already loved him so so much.  I knew it would be a long journey until he was well and big enough to come home but i didn't for one moment consider he may never do that. 

He was transferred in the evening and i didnt get to see him again for another 3 days.  They wouldn't transfer me until i was stable enough to be moved and i have to say that was 3 very hard days.  Knowing that my baby was so tiny and fragile and i couldn't be with him.  I wish i could say that the midwives were reassuring and helpful but i have to say they weren't.  One was lovely, and i will always remember her.  She was truly lovely and took the time to explain to me why i couldn't just sign myself out and go see my baby, and why i was too ill to move.  To the others i felt like i was just a burden and in their way and they were fed up of me.  I was v glad to be moved. 

This time last year i was a very new mummy.  I didn't have a clue how much my life would be affected by Isaac but i did know how much i loved him and how precious he was to us. 

This time last year if i had taken the time out to imagine 1 year ahead i would have imagined today very differently.  I would have imagined a little boy surrounded by presents and a looking a little bewildered  by what was going on.  He would have been more interested in the wrapping than the presents!  He would have been thoroughly spoilt, and he would have to fight his mum for the chocolate cake!!  I would have imagined a very happy day.  Lots of visitors, lots of presents. 

But today has been very different to anything i would have imagined.  There was no little boy with us to do all that.  Our precious little boy is somewhere else, somewhere we can't be.  We can't give him presents or feed him his first piece of cake. 

However, there are things we can do.  We can make sure he is never forgotten.  We can make sure that people know about him and hear about what a brave little fighter he was for the 3 weeks he was with us.  We can make sure his plot looks so bright and beautiful that it stands out to anyone who passes. 
We can make sure he lives on within us.  He will always be with me in my heart and nobody and nothing can take that away from me.