Ok, so it seems there is a theme of long spells of time between posts going on here. But tbh i am not sure many people read this anyway and it is more for me to rant/wax lyrical/talk to myself anyway, so i suppose large gaps don't matter too much.
An awful lot has happened since my last post. My last post was when i was 24 weeks pregnant - and now we have a 6 month old daughter!! Wow. Where does time go?
So yes, we got there. We now have our beautiful, funny, tiny little rainbow who is so full of character it practically bursts out of her. We didn't quite get to full term, as surprise surprise pre eclampsia raised its ugly head again. But this time we knew what we were looking for, and Iris was born by c section on 10th october 2012. Just 4 weeks early this time and weighing a tiny 4lb 10oz. And i got to hold her almost straight away, and she fed amazingly well (and carries on doing. She is what you may call a boob monster). We had a little stay in hospital as she was so tiny and had had some growth problems in the last few weeks but the c section went so so so much better this time, and i didn't actually care where i was this time, as my baby was with me and not in a seperate unit full of tubes and wires.
She looked amazingly like her brother, but the bigger she gets the more she looks like me. Though certain expressions she have make her look JUST like her daddy. I try not to think too much about whether Isaac would have been the same as her, whether he would have had the same personality etc. But sometimes its inevitable that i do.
We had a very up and down start, with her losing weight and having a few problems. But then we got the news that she has cystic fibrosis. Apparently we were both carriers without ever knowing. So she is indeed a very special little girl. As we always knew she would be. Again, it makes me wonder if Isaac had it too. It would probably have been picked up if he did, but it is a thought there in the back of my mind still.
So yes, our rainbow is here. She is currently playing on her playgym and looking over at me to check i am still here. She knows her own mind very well, and is quite stubborn. She has a definite drama queen aura about her and will fling her head and arms back in such dismay if she doesn't get what she wants.
It has been a steep learning curve for us both, and we are still learning and will be for a long time i think.
We have learnt that we don't actually need as much sleep as we thought.
We have learnt that however tired we are, a smile from Iris makes everything instantly happier.
We have learnt that our bed is not necesarily just ours, and Iris takes up a larger amount of space than her size would have you believe.
We have learnt that things don't go smoothly even when you have your baby there in your arms, and there can still be a curveball that smacks you in the face when you least expect it.
We have learnt an awful lot about cystic fibrosis, when i thought i knew a fair bit anyway. I was wrong!
We have learnt that there is still a gaping hole where Isaac should be, but that Iris has done a pretty amazing job at papering over the cracks.
We have learnt that our hearts can hold so much love, so much more than i would have ever thought possible. For both our children.
We have learnt that life is utterly crap at times, and sometimes you have to just carry on and work through the crappiness.
We have learnt who our good friends are, and that our families our amazing.
We have a lot of learning yet to do.
She does not sleep great, before you ask. It seems to be the first question most people ask. And i never know how to answer the question 'Is she a good baby?'. Define 'good'. She is bloody amazing if you ask me. She is like a whole other person, in miniature. And she grew inside me. I still look at her in awe and wonder how the hell us two made such an adorable being. But good? Huh? She isn't bad. I don't think a 6 month old baby knows how to be bad do they?
She doesn't like to be put down much. She doesn't like to play on her own much. She likes a lot of input. But hey, she is a baby. And if i can't give her all my attention now then when can i? She is already growing up too fast for my liking and before long i will have to chase her around the house for cuddles. At least now they are freely and happily given.
So 4 pregnancies later, we finally have our take home baby. She is not Isaac. She is not Isaac's replacement. But she is Isaac's little sister and she is a very special person in her own right. And she has so much love surrounding her, from us and from family and from friends.
I said 2012 would be a better year didn't i. And i was so right!! And so i will say here and now that 2013 is going to be a good year too. It is. And we deserve it. I don't care if we have had one good year (albeit still with ups and downs). We deserve another, and we will have it. 2013 will be the year we celebrate our daughter's first birthday, the year we celebrate our son's 3rd birthday and the year we get married - eeeeekkk!! It will also be the first time we take Iris out in Penelope (the folding camper). Double eeek!!!
Monday, 15 April 2013
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
24 weeks!
Ok, so i know i haven't written a blog for a while. My head has been everywhere and i wasn't in the right place to be writing things down. But today seems somehow important.
Today, our little bean is a not so little 24 weeks!! We are now considered to be at a stage that is viable, should anything go wrong at this stage. I'm not really sure how i feel about that. I hate the word 'viable'. Its a horrible word, but i can see why they use it. Isaac was viable, it didn't help him much. Yet at the same time i still find myself strangely comforted by the fact that we have got to this stage.
I have conflicting emotions going on. On the one hand, it feels like another milestone that we have got past and that is good. On another it feels like it is getting closer and closer to the time we had Isaac, and that is so scary i can't even find the words to describe how scary that feels. It's a bit like, i allow myself to get excited, and then rain on my own parade by reminding myself what can still go wrong. But i can't help but do that. In some ways i HAVE to do that.
We are having a little girl this time. I am very excited about the pinkness i am now going to be able to spread around the house! I am quite a pink, fluffy person in general but at the moment my pinkness has been confined to the kitchen. It's the only room in my house that pink is really allowed. Well not anymore, hehehehe. See - i can get excited!
But i also have a tiny blanket, cardigan and matching hat set aside in case the worst should happen. And i am not sure that is normal behaviour for a 'normal' pregnant woman. I have even looked for tiny outfits available so that i know that i could get her something pretty to wear if the worst happened again.
Its like there is something in me that, every time i get excited, says 'Hey, don't forget what happened with Isaac, be prepared.'
And i miss Isaac. I miss him so much. I wonder often about how he would feel about having a little sister. Would he be excited? Would he be completely non-plussed and not at all bothered? Would he be jealous? How would i cope with 2 children to look after? I don't know. I may never know. I want him to be here and sharing this with us. I want to be able to have photos of both my babies together. But i can't have what i want, and that hurts.
We packed all Isaac's clothes away recently. Well not all, just the very obviously boy clothes. Our little girl will still have some of her brothers things, just as she would if he was still here. And maybe one day we will have another little boy and we will be able to unpack the tiny blue clothes we have packed away. But for now i am concentrating on the pink. My pink bundle will be told all about her big brother, and all about how fab he was and how he is looking out for her now. But she is a person in her own right. She is Isaac's little sister, not Isaac's replacement. We love her so much already, for who she is. She is our daughter and we are very excited to meet her. But hopefully not for a while yet.
So yeh, 24 weeks, baby seems very happy and well and is moving lots. I seem to be very well and my blood pressure is behaving. But i know that it doesn't mean anything, i know that it could all change.
Friday, 27 April 2012
Rainbows and worries
I haven't been on my blog for a while now. So many things have been in my head and i have been neglecting my thinking time that is writing this.
A lot has happened since my last post. We have had all sorts of hospital appointments, and tests, and results. We have also had a very good result from one test. We are expecting our rainbow baby!
We are now 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Wow! There have been some points over the last 18 months when i thought this would never happen. We would never get this far again, but we have. After Isaac died, we so desperately wanted to have another baby. Not because we wanted to replace Isaac, we could never do that. Isaac was his own person, a very special little boy. Nobody could ever replace him. But we did want to have a brother or sister for him. He was a very wanted baby, and that baby shaped hole that was there before Isaac, is still there. Its not an Isaac shaped hole, i know there is always going to be an empty part of my life that Isaac should fill. But it is a hole, and we want it filled.
Trying to conceive after losing a baby is so hard. You feel so many emotions all at once. Hope, worry, scared, guilt that you feel the need to do this after you already had a child. Its scary. And then we had 2 miscarriages. Both before 12 weeks. We were referred for tests and something came back. We weren't expecting it, it was a huge surprise!! After all, we had Isaac, how could there be anything wrong? But there was, and we were told we had a 50/50 chance of a miscarriage before 12 weeks. Do you know what I immediately thought when we were told this? I thought 'see, this just proves that Isaac was special'. And he was, he was so, so special. He was our first baby, and he will always, always have a huge part of my heart just for him.
But now, he is going to have to learn to share me, lol. Because he has sent us a rainbow. When i first saw the term 'rainbow baby' i wondered what it meant. And then i saw a quote someone posted on a support forum and it made me cry. It's beautiful and explains it so well.
"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.
So we have got over the first hurdle. We are past the 12 weeks scariness. We have had 3 scans already, and have another one booked in just over a week. We have done it, we are the good 50% and not the bad one this time. We know that we have a long way to go yet. We still have the chance of me getting pre-eclampsia again, but i am being well looked after and my consultant is very good. I have to try and be positive. Its not easy! I have so many things going through my head, so many things that i know could go wrong, so many things that could just happen and cannot be prevented. But then i sit myself down and say to myself 'you are having this baby, there is no reason you shouldn't this time, this time we have every chance of bringing our baby home.'
And you know what......this baby will have the most wonderful big brother looking out for her/him. Their very own guardian angel.
A lot has happened since my last post. We have had all sorts of hospital appointments, and tests, and results. We have also had a very good result from one test. We are expecting our rainbow baby!
We are now 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Wow! There have been some points over the last 18 months when i thought this would never happen. We would never get this far again, but we have. After Isaac died, we so desperately wanted to have another baby. Not because we wanted to replace Isaac, we could never do that. Isaac was his own person, a very special little boy. Nobody could ever replace him. But we did want to have a brother or sister for him. He was a very wanted baby, and that baby shaped hole that was there before Isaac, is still there. Its not an Isaac shaped hole, i know there is always going to be an empty part of my life that Isaac should fill. But it is a hole, and we want it filled.
Trying to conceive after losing a baby is so hard. You feel so many emotions all at once. Hope, worry, scared, guilt that you feel the need to do this after you already had a child. Its scary. And then we had 2 miscarriages. Both before 12 weeks. We were referred for tests and something came back. We weren't expecting it, it was a huge surprise!! After all, we had Isaac, how could there be anything wrong? But there was, and we were told we had a 50/50 chance of a miscarriage before 12 weeks. Do you know what I immediately thought when we were told this? I thought 'see, this just proves that Isaac was special'. And he was, he was so, so special. He was our first baby, and he will always, always have a huge part of my heart just for him.
But now, he is going to have to learn to share me, lol. Because he has sent us a rainbow. When i first saw the term 'rainbow baby' i wondered what it meant. And then i saw a quote someone posted on a support forum and it made me cry. It's beautiful and explains it so well.
"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.
So we have got over the first hurdle. We are past the 12 weeks scariness. We have had 3 scans already, and have another one booked in just over a week. We have done it, we are the good 50% and not the bad one this time. We know that we have a long way to go yet. We still have the chance of me getting pre-eclampsia again, but i am being well looked after and my consultant is very good. I have to try and be positive. Its not easy! I have so many things going through my head, so many things that i know could go wrong, so many things that could just happen and cannot be prevented. But then i sit myself down and say to myself 'you are having this baby, there is no reason you shouldn't this time, this time we have every chance of bringing our baby home.'
And you know what......this baby will have the most wonderful big brother looking out for her/him. Their very own guardian angel.
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Welcome 2012
Well tbh 2011 was meant to be our year, and i don't know who exactly it was out there that pinched my good year but someone certainly did!! I hope you enjoyed it. 2010 was good and bad. I was pregnant with Isaac, that was good - very good. I had my beautiful baby boy and that was bad and good. And then after a 20 days of being his mummy he died, and our whole world fell apart.
We have slowly started rebuilding our world, and it's never going to be like it was before. It is built with a great huge gaping hole in it. But it is being rebuilt. We are learning how to carry on without Isaac. He will always be part of us, but it is hard him not being here and will continue to be hard.
So 2011 was meant to be the good year. But someone stole it. They must have done because we have had a shit year. Our cat died. He was my smile maker, he made me smile when no person could and then he died just when i really needed him. We lost our first little bean in march 2011 after a very up and down shortlived pregnancy, and we then lost our second little bean in August around the time of Isaacs birthday. Life is just simply not fair. We have since found out we have a fairly high chance of this happening again as my body doesn't seem to be able to work like other womens bodies do. But we are eventually getting the care and medical help we need so we are hoping and praying that 2012 is most definitely OUR YEAR!! Have you seen this everyone, no stealing my good year, lol. I am willing to share, but please, please don't take all the good stuff. Leave some for us. We need it. We really really need it.
So goodbye 2011. You brought some good things from bad, you helped me to help others by getting publicity about pregnancy problems and babyloss in the local papers and in the sun, you helped me to share with medical professionals with SANDS how to help make the horrific time your baby dies as less horrific as possible. But i will not miss you.
Welcome 2012, i am ready for you!
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Christmas is hard
Well yes, the title says it all really. Christmas is hard. Not just for me, for many many people and for a huge amount of reasons.
Last Christmas was our first Christmas without Isaac. A lot of people seem to find this hard to understand, i have heard people say things like 'but you've had many years without him before this, it's just like it was before' or words very similar. But it doesn't work like that. We DID have Isaac, our lives changed from the moment we found we were pregnant and then changed even more when he was born. It would be like saying to the mother of a 4 year old that it would be just like before if that child died. Nobody would ever say that. Would it be more heartbreaking for a child of 6 to die than a child of 4? No! So why because my son lived for just 20 days does that change? I couldn't have loved him anymore than i did and do, and i loved him just as much as that mother loves her 4 year old. Just because i never experienced a Christmas with Isaac here does not mean i feel that loss any less.
Last year i more or less cancelled Christmas. We didn't go to my parents house like i have done every other year. I couldn't face all the people and the happiness and the children. My life wasn't normal so Christmas shouldn't be normal either. We went to Justin's parents and had a small (compared to my family) Christmas meal with a candle lit for the people that should have been with us but are no longer here. We had no Christmas tree, though we did buy a small tree for Isaac's plot and we only bought presents for the children in our family. I buried myself in making Christmas cakes to sell for the neonatal unit so i didn't have to stop and think, but I didn't make myself a cake. I hated Christmas last year. I wanted it to all go away.
But doing all that didn't help. Pretending Christmas wasn't here didn't help. I have learnt that things happen with or without me. Life goes on. So this year i am approaching things slightly differently. We have 3 Christmas trees up and our living room is quite festive. We have a tree on the landing, our main tree in the living room with all the decorations that i have collected through the years and a lot have different meanings, and then a special tree in the kitchen. It is full of angels and white feathers and pink feathers and pale blue 'Isaac decorations' and it has a special Isaac star at the top of it, because who needs an angel when we have our own! I wish i knew how to get photos on here.
It was quite emotional decorating that tree, it is dedicated to all the angels out there. A tree that makes me smile. And that is why I have taken a different approach this year. Last year was so hard, and cancelling Christmas didn't make it any easier. This year is going to be hard too, but even if the Christmas tree makes me smile once a day then it is a good thing. Smiles are precious.
My family has had a lot going on this year and Christmas is going to be quite strange for some of us. Smiles are precious and they need to be appreciated when they come, especially during the tough times.
I went to a sharing stories workshop last night. I have lots inside that needs to come out but i understand that a lot of people have heard me over and over again, and i don't feel like it always helps to talk. I often find it hard to vocalise my feelings, so writing helps. This workshop was about putting things down on paper and how to do that, different ways of getting those stories inside me out. It was also good to share what we had written with each other. I wrote a poem there. I am not sure it is any good at all but it helps to share.....
My forever sleeping baby
My heart smiles with love for you.
Sharing with you the joy of rainbows and trees and sunshine
Honouring the happiness that having you brought us as well as the sadness.
Sharing you with others
Brings healing.
I believe I can smile again
And will with all my heart
Because my heart is always so full of love for you.
As i said, not great but poetry has never been my strong point. It just helps.
We have done a lot of things this year for Christmas with Isaac. He has his Christmas tree back (though it has grown a bit since last year!) and we have decorated his garden. We also had a toy service at church and we have decided to donate a toy each year for a child that is the age Isaac would be. We can't buy Isaac the things we would like to but we can buy them in his memory and another child will hopefully enjoy them on his behalf. This year he would be 16 months old so we bought toys for a child that age. I made Justin take them down in the service because i knew i would cry.....I cried anyway!! But it was a nice thing to do and i am glad we did. We have also asked family and friends to paint pebbles and stones this year too. They will be taken to Isaac and laid around his bed with his Christmas decorations. It already looks fabulous with all the brightly coloured different stones there (again - i wish i could get photos on here) and i know there are more to come. It's lovely that people have taken time out to do this and remember Isaac. They will be treasured by us for many years.
Everyone seem to have little family traditions they do at Christmas, and i can see we have some developing that i will carry on with. My Isaac time at Christmas.
Last Christmas was our first Christmas without Isaac. A lot of people seem to find this hard to understand, i have heard people say things like 'but you've had many years without him before this, it's just like it was before' or words very similar. But it doesn't work like that. We DID have Isaac, our lives changed from the moment we found we were pregnant and then changed even more when he was born. It would be like saying to the mother of a 4 year old that it would be just like before if that child died. Nobody would ever say that. Would it be more heartbreaking for a child of 6 to die than a child of 4? No! So why because my son lived for just 20 days does that change? I couldn't have loved him anymore than i did and do, and i loved him just as much as that mother loves her 4 year old. Just because i never experienced a Christmas with Isaac here does not mean i feel that loss any less.
Last year i more or less cancelled Christmas. We didn't go to my parents house like i have done every other year. I couldn't face all the people and the happiness and the children. My life wasn't normal so Christmas shouldn't be normal either. We went to Justin's parents and had a small (compared to my family) Christmas meal with a candle lit for the people that should have been with us but are no longer here. We had no Christmas tree, though we did buy a small tree for Isaac's plot and we only bought presents for the children in our family. I buried myself in making Christmas cakes to sell for the neonatal unit so i didn't have to stop and think, but I didn't make myself a cake. I hated Christmas last year. I wanted it to all go away.
But doing all that didn't help. Pretending Christmas wasn't here didn't help. I have learnt that things happen with or without me. Life goes on. So this year i am approaching things slightly differently. We have 3 Christmas trees up and our living room is quite festive. We have a tree on the landing, our main tree in the living room with all the decorations that i have collected through the years and a lot have different meanings, and then a special tree in the kitchen. It is full of angels and white feathers and pink feathers and pale blue 'Isaac decorations' and it has a special Isaac star at the top of it, because who needs an angel when we have our own! I wish i knew how to get photos on here.
It was quite emotional decorating that tree, it is dedicated to all the angels out there. A tree that makes me smile. And that is why I have taken a different approach this year. Last year was so hard, and cancelling Christmas didn't make it any easier. This year is going to be hard too, but even if the Christmas tree makes me smile once a day then it is a good thing. Smiles are precious.
My family has had a lot going on this year and Christmas is going to be quite strange for some of us. Smiles are precious and they need to be appreciated when they come, especially during the tough times.
I went to a sharing stories workshop last night. I have lots inside that needs to come out but i understand that a lot of people have heard me over and over again, and i don't feel like it always helps to talk. I often find it hard to vocalise my feelings, so writing helps. This workshop was about putting things down on paper and how to do that, different ways of getting those stories inside me out. It was also good to share what we had written with each other. I wrote a poem there. I am not sure it is any good at all but it helps to share.....
My forever sleeping baby
My heart smiles with love for you.
Sharing with you the joy of rainbows and trees and sunshine
Honouring the happiness that having you brought us as well as the sadness.
Sharing you with others
Brings healing.
I believe I can smile again
And will with all my heart
Because my heart is always so full of love for you.
As i said, not great but poetry has never been my strong point. It just helps.
We have done a lot of things this year for Christmas with Isaac. He has his Christmas tree back (though it has grown a bit since last year!) and we have decorated his garden. We also had a toy service at church and we have decided to donate a toy each year for a child that is the age Isaac would be. We can't buy Isaac the things we would like to but we can buy them in his memory and another child will hopefully enjoy them on his behalf. This year he would be 16 months old so we bought toys for a child that age. I made Justin take them down in the service because i knew i would cry.....I cried anyway!! But it was a nice thing to do and i am glad we did. We have also asked family and friends to paint pebbles and stones this year too. They will be taken to Isaac and laid around his bed with his Christmas decorations. It already looks fabulous with all the brightly coloured different stones there (again - i wish i could get photos on here) and i know there are more to come. It's lovely that people have taken time out to do this and remember Isaac. They will be treasured by us for many years.
Everyone seem to have little family traditions they do at Christmas, and i can see we have some developing that i will carry on with. My Isaac time at Christmas.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Lessons
Its the little things that get me. I can cope with babies now, just about. I don't burst out crying when i see them anymore, i don't feel the unstoppable bubble of jealousy rising up anymore. I no longer feel the overwhelming urge to tell everyone with a newborn that they are so so lucky and that they should cherish every moment of their sleepless nights and days. I have learnt that the world carries on with or without my grief. I have learnt to understand that people will always complain about their children and that they don't do it to hurt me, it is just a thing that they do to vent. I have learnt a lot of things this last year! I can even say that i am happy for someone who announces a pregnancy and i actually mean it. I can say congratulations and mean it. I can buy baby items for people and not want to cry.
I have learnt that there are some things i cannot cope with very easily. I have learnt that i AM the kind of person that has days where i can't get out of bed and that sometimes a day in bed is all i can cope with. I never thought i would be one of 'those' people. I always thought i was quite strong but i have learnt that i am not actually. I have coping strategies and i am able to put on a face and live daily life and make it so i can get through a day and act normal. I have learnt how to do that this last year. A lot of people i know have told me throughout this last year that i am strong. They are wrong. I can cope, just about. I am not strong, i am the weakest i have been. Having your baby die and then having 2 further miscarriages in one year does that to you. I have learnt how to cope with the big things.
But its the little things that get me. The things that pop up and surprise me. Things like the toybox in Ikea that i see and think for a nano second 'oooh that would go with Isaacs furniture' when i walk past it and then it hits me he is not here and he won't be needing a toybox. I actually forget for that nanosecond that all the rubbish has happened and i don't know how i do that. I wish i did, i would do it a hell of a lot more often. And then it comes flooding back that it has happened. That i am the person who's baby died. I am that person. And its these things that hurt. I can't sit and cry in the middle of Ikea over a toybox.
It's when i sit in church and see the children playing with the flags and ribbons and i smile and then - just for that nanosecond - i see Isaac's coffin sat on a table just exactly where they are playing and i feel myself falling again. It's hearing people pray for the children and mentioning their names and yet Isaac's isn't there. Of course it isn't there silly, but it still feels like it should be there. I can sit in church and i can tell you exactly where he was placed, i can tell you exactly how i felt and i can place every exact flower that was in the floral display next to him, but i can't tell you who was there. I can sit on a sunday evening and i can see myself the sunday after his funeral. I can see myself leaving the hall and walking into the hallway and breaking down crying and saying that i just miss him so much. And i can feel exactly how i felt that day. I still feel like that. The feeling is just as intense and crushing as it was that day and i just want to reach out to myself and hold me and tell me it will be ok in the end, but i know it won't. I still feel that devastated, i have just learnt how to hide it better, how to cope with everyday life and how to keep my feelings inside.
Its that moment the advert for a new design of reusable nappy appears on my screen and i think 'oooh i will have to look into that' and then have to correct myself. I don't need to. I don't have a baby.
Its times like walking around the supermarket and i reach for the nicer, more expensive ingredient. And do you know what i immediately think? I think to myself 'i shouldn't be able to afford this, i should be spending all my money on clothes because my son has grown again'. I know it is irrational. We're not exactly rolling in money and its not like my shopping bill is massive, but i feel the tears welling up just because i reach for the extra special range instead of the bog standard supermarket range.
Its when i get that all wanted positive on the pregnancy test and instead of being happy i get instantly scared, terrified, wonder if i am doing the right thing - only to get it confirmed 7 or 8 weeks later that maybe we weren't doing the right thing.
You may think that i should have got to the point where these things don't get to me anymore, but you would be wrong. I think that i will always be like this now. My time is measured now before Isaac and after Isaac. Before Isaac rubbish happened. I didn't have a perfectly wonderful life. My life went wrong sometimes just like anyone else. I found it hard sometimes but i dealt with it. After Isaac the smallest thing goes wrong and i crumble. I stay in bed, i sit in my pj's and i eat chocolate.
I find life in general quite hard. Just someone telling me i have too much time on my hands as a passing remark (not trying to get at me) hurts me because i know i do. I have way too much time on my hands - my time should be taken up by a 13 month old.
I don't know when i will get better. I don't think i will get better. I think i have yet more lessons to learn. I think i have to learn how to deal with me as i am now and not wait for the me i was before Isaac to come back.
I am having a bad day today, you may be able to tell! I have good days too and i try to remember that on days like this.
I have learnt that there are some things i cannot cope with very easily. I have learnt that i AM the kind of person that has days where i can't get out of bed and that sometimes a day in bed is all i can cope with. I never thought i would be one of 'those' people. I always thought i was quite strong but i have learnt that i am not actually. I have coping strategies and i am able to put on a face and live daily life and make it so i can get through a day and act normal. I have learnt how to do that this last year. A lot of people i know have told me throughout this last year that i am strong. They are wrong. I can cope, just about. I am not strong, i am the weakest i have been. Having your baby die and then having 2 further miscarriages in one year does that to you. I have learnt how to cope with the big things.
But its the little things that get me. The things that pop up and surprise me. Things like the toybox in Ikea that i see and think for a nano second 'oooh that would go with Isaacs furniture' when i walk past it and then it hits me he is not here and he won't be needing a toybox. I actually forget for that nanosecond that all the rubbish has happened and i don't know how i do that. I wish i did, i would do it a hell of a lot more often. And then it comes flooding back that it has happened. That i am the person who's baby died. I am that person. And its these things that hurt. I can't sit and cry in the middle of Ikea over a toybox.
It's when i sit in church and see the children playing with the flags and ribbons and i smile and then - just for that nanosecond - i see Isaac's coffin sat on a table just exactly where they are playing and i feel myself falling again. It's hearing people pray for the children and mentioning their names and yet Isaac's isn't there. Of course it isn't there silly, but it still feels like it should be there. I can sit in church and i can tell you exactly where he was placed, i can tell you exactly how i felt and i can place every exact flower that was in the floral display next to him, but i can't tell you who was there. I can sit on a sunday evening and i can see myself the sunday after his funeral. I can see myself leaving the hall and walking into the hallway and breaking down crying and saying that i just miss him so much. And i can feel exactly how i felt that day. I still feel like that. The feeling is just as intense and crushing as it was that day and i just want to reach out to myself and hold me and tell me it will be ok in the end, but i know it won't. I still feel that devastated, i have just learnt how to hide it better, how to cope with everyday life and how to keep my feelings inside.
Its that moment the advert for a new design of reusable nappy appears on my screen and i think 'oooh i will have to look into that' and then have to correct myself. I don't need to. I don't have a baby.
Its times like walking around the supermarket and i reach for the nicer, more expensive ingredient. And do you know what i immediately think? I think to myself 'i shouldn't be able to afford this, i should be spending all my money on clothes because my son has grown again'. I know it is irrational. We're not exactly rolling in money and its not like my shopping bill is massive, but i feel the tears welling up just because i reach for the extra special range instead of the bog standard supermarket range.
Its when i get that all wanted positive on the pregnancy test and instead of being happy i get instantly scared, terrified, wonder if i am doing the right thing - only to get it confirmed 7 or 8 weeks later that maybe we weren't doing the right thing.
You may think that i should have got to the point where these things don't get to me anymore, but you would be wrong. I think that i will always be like this now. My time is measured now before Isaac and after Isaac. Before Isaac rubbish happened. I didn't have a perfectly wonderful life. My life went wrong sometimes just like anyone else. I found it hard sometimes but i dealt with it. After Isaac the smallest thing goes wrong and i crumble. I stay in bed, i sit in my pj's and i eat chocolate.
I find life in general quite hard. Just someone telling me i have too much time on my hands as a passing remark (not trying to get at me) hurts me because i know i do. I have way too much time on my hands - my time should be taken up by a 13 month old.
I don't know when i will get better. I don't think i will get better. I think i have yet more lessons to learn. I think i have to learn how to deal with me as i am now and not wait for the me i was before Isaac to come back.
I am having a bad day today, you may be able to tell! I have good days too and i try to remember that on days like this.
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Firsts.....
Well, last month was full of firsts. Isaac's first birthday August 10th, Isaac's 1st angelversary August 30th. It wasn't an easy month and i am glad it is over.
So, todays blog is also going to be a first - its my first post about camping!!
Oh i love camping!! I know a lot of my friends agree with me but i also know a lot think i am completely mad too. Maybe i am but hey ho. I adore going camping. It gets me all excited and happy and i love nothing more than setting it all up when i get there - its like a grown ups version of a wendy house.
I am very passionate about my tents, they are like my babies. I know a lot of people won't understand this but i am quite emotionally attached to my tents. We have an outwell montana 12, a 12 berth monster of a tent that i adore greatly. She has 4 bedrooms and a little area for the loo and she is awesome! Then there is our small 4 man canvas marachel (but you'd have to be a very friendly 4). She is perfect for weekends for the two of us and the dog and she is orange so Justin loves her, lol. Lastly there is our FAB folding camper, Penelope the pennine. Penelope was given to us by amazing friends and has definately overtaken the montana as my favourite. She has beds that are off the floor with mattresses, a sink and stove inside and proper seats to sit on. And best of all she goes up in about 10 minutes at the most (if we don;t put the awning up). We also have a small polyester tent of Justins but i don't like it so we don't use it lol. Its too small and i can't stand up properly and i just don't feel a bond!
If i am totally honest i would say that we will more than likely now be using Penelope every time we go away. With the awning she is massive and plenty big enough for when my nieces come away with us or if we have more children and without the awning she is still a good size but also VERY quick and easy to put up. So really we could sell the other tents. But i don't want to!! I love them. I would cry if i had to sell Mavis the montana!! I seriously would sit and cry.
I have a distinct camping style! I am a fan of glamping. I have a carpet for my tent, I like nice sites with decent toilets and showers, i like to have electric hookup for my lights and mini oven and heater and hairdryer and straighteners and kettle and lots more i could think of. Now some people would say thats not proper camping but personally i don't really care. I love taking all the bits, putting all the camping furniture together, setting it all out and playing house. Our latest purchase for Penelope was a set of solar lights to put up outside. Not tried them yet but i am thinking they will look v pretty :)
I have tried basic camping. I was cold, i was uncomfortable, i hate sleeping bags (i take a duvet) and i was miserable. I also looked a mess as i couldn't do anything with my hair. Each to their own i say. I have compromised (for my bf who is a fan of basic). We don't always take the loo now but that does mean he gets woken up in the night to walk to the loo block with me :)
I get a bit cross with some people who moan when i say i am going camping. They often ask why or start moaning about when they went and hated it. 9 times out of 10 when questioned they have either never been or they have been in a rubbish cheapy tent that leaked, with basic sleeping bags and little equipment and don't understand why i would pay £100's for a tent when they paid £50 for theirs - well because mine doesn't leak, it won't blow over unless we have very severe winds, it has PLENTY of room to sit in if its cold and wet outside and its fabulous. Its like comparing a shed to a house.
I wouldn't dream of groaning when people tell me they are going abroad for a fortnight to sit on a beach so why do they think its ok to groan at me when i say i am going away in my tent? Its quite rude in my opinion. We choose to go away several times in our tent rather than once on a plane that i am terrified of and wait a year for the next holiday.
And we're away again soon :) Taking Penelope out for her last outing before she goes away for winter. Yay!! Isaac would have loved camping. Maybe thats why he caused problems and came early cos we were camping and he wanted to join in, lol.
So, todays blog is also going to be a first - its my first post about camping!!
Oh i love camping!! I know a lot of my friends agree with me but i also know a lot think i am completely mad too. Maybe i am but hey ho. I adore going camping. It gets me all excited and happy and i love nothing more than setting it all up when i get there - its like a grown ups version of a wendy house.
I am very passionate about my tents, they are like my babies. I know a lot of people won't understand this but i am quite emotionally attached to my tents. We have an outwell montana 12, a 12 berth monster of a tent that i adore greatly. She has 4 bedrooms and a little area for the loo and she is awesome! Then there is our small 4 man canvas marachel (but you'd have to be a very friendly 4). She is perfect for weekends for the two of us and the dog and she is orange so Justin loves her, lol. Lastly there is our FAB folding camper, Penelope the pennine. Penelope was given to us by amazing friends and has definately overtaken the montana as my favourite. She has beds that are off the floor with mattresses, a sink and stove inside and proper seats to sit on. And best of all she goes up in about 10 minutes at the most (if we don;t put the awning up). We also have a small polyester tent of Justins but i don't like it so we don't use it lol. Its too small and i can't stand up properly and i just don't feel a bond!
If i am totally honest i would say that we will more than likely now be using Penelope every time we go away. With the awning she is massive and plenty big enough for when my nieces come away with us or if we have more children and without the awning she is still a good size but also VERY quick and easy to put up. So really we could sell the other tents. But i don't want to!! I love them. I would cry if i had to sell Mavis the montana!! I seriously would sit and cry.
I have a distinct camping style! I am a fan of glamping. I have a carpet for my tent, I like nice sites with decent toilets and showers, i like to have electric hookup for my lights and mini oven and heater and hairdryer and straighteners and kettle and lots more i could think of. Now some people would say thats not proper camping but personally i don't really care. I love taking all the bits, putting all the camping furniture together, setting it all out and playing house. Our latest purchase for Penelope was a set of solar lights to put up outside. Not tried them yet but i am thinking they will look v pretty :)
I have tried basic camping. I was cold, i was uncomfortable, i hate sleeping bags (i take a duvet) and i was miserable. I also looked a mess as i couldn't do anything with my hair. Each to their own i say. I have compromised (for my bf who is a fan of basic). We don't always take the loo now but that does mean he gets woken up in the night to walk to the loo block with me :)
I get a bit cross with some people who moan when i say i am going camping. They often ask why or start moaning about when they went and hated it. 9 times out of 10 when questioned they have either never been or they have been in a rubbish cheapy tent that leaked, with basic sleeping bags and little equipment and don't understand why i would pay £100's for a tent when they paid £50 for theirs - well because mine doesn't leak, it won't blow over unless we have very severe winds, it has PLENTY of room to sit in if its cold and wet outside and its fabulous. Its like comparing a shed to a house.
I wouldn't dream of groaning when people tell me they are going abroad for a fortnight to sit on a beach so why do they think its ok to groan at me when i say i am going away in my tent? Its quite rude in my opinion. We choose to go away several times in our tent rather than once on a plane that i am terrified of and wait a year for the next holiday.
And we're away again soon :) Taking Penelope out for her last outing before she goes away for winter. Yay!! Isaac would have loved camping. Maybe thats why he caused problems and came early cos we were camping and he wanted to join in, lol.
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