Well yes, the title says it all really. Christmas is hard. Not just for me, for many many people and for a huge amount of reasons.
Last Christmas was our first Christmas without Isaac. A lot of people seem to find this hard to understand, i have heard people say things like 'but you've had many years without him before this, it's just like it was before' or words very similar. But it doesn't work like that. We DID have Isaac, our lives changed from the moment we found we were pregnant and then changed even more when he was born. It would be like saying to the mother of a 4 year old that it would be just like before if that child died. Nobody would ever say that. Would it be more heartbreaking for a child of 6 to die than a child of 4? No! So why because my son lived for just 20 days does that change? I couldn't have loved him anymore than i did and do, and i loved him just as much as that mother loves her 4 year old. Just because i never experienced a Christmas with Isaac here does not mean i feel that loss any less.
Last year i more or less cancelled Christmas. We didn't go to my parents house like i have done every other year. I couldn't face all the people and the happiness and the children. My life wasn't normal so Christmas shouldn't be normal either. We went to Justin's parents and had a small (compared to my family) Christmas meal with a candle lit for the people that should have been with us but are no longer here. We had no Christmas tree, though we did buy a small tree for Isaac's plot and we only bought presents for the children in our family. I buried myself in making Christmas cakes to sell for the neonatal unit so i didn't have to stop and think, but I didn't make myself a cake. I hated Christmas last year. I wanted it to all go away.
But doing all that didn't help. Pretending Christmas wasn't here didn't help. I have learnt that things happen with or without me. Life goes on. So this year i am approaching things slightly differently. We have 3 Christmas trees up and our living room is quite festive. We have a tree on the landing, our main tree in the living room with all the decorations that i have collected through the years and a lot have different meanings, and then a special tree in the kitchen. It is full of angels and white feathers and pink feathers and pale blue 'Isaac decorations' and it has a special Isaac star at the top of it, because who needs an angel when we have our own! I wish i knew how to get photos on here.
It was quite emotional decorating that tree, it is dedicated to all the angels out there. A tree that makes me smile. And that is why I have taken a different approach this year. Last year was so hard, and cancelling Christmas didn't make it any easier. This year is going to be hard too, but even if the Christmas tree makes me smile once a day then it is a good thing. Smiles are precious.
My family has had a lot going on this year and Christmas is going to be quite strange for some of us. Smiles are precious and they need to be appreciated when they come, especially during the tough times.
I went to a sharing stories workshop last night. I have lots inside that needs to come out but i understand that a lot of people have heard me over and over again, and i don't feel like it always helps to talk. I often find it hard to vocalise my feelings, so writing helps. This workshop was about putting things down on paper and how to do that, different ways of getting those stories inside me out. It was also good to share what we had written with each other. I wrote a poem there. I am not sure it is any good at all but it helps to share.....
My forever sleeping baby
My heart smiles with love for you.
Sharing with you the joy of rainbows and trees and sunshine
Honouring the happiness that having you brought us as well as the sadness.
Sharing you with others
Brings healing.
I believe I can smile again
And will with all my heart
Because my heart is always so full of love for you.
As i said, not great but poetry has never been my strong point. It just helps.
We have done a lot of things this year for Christmas with Isaac. He has his Christmas tree back (though it has grown a bit since last year!) and we have decorated his garden. We also had a toy service at church and we have decided to donate a toy each year for a child that is the age Isaac would be. We can't buy Isaac the things we would like to but we can buy them in his memory and another child will hopefully enjoy them on his behalf. This year he would be 16 months old so we bought toys for a child that age. I made Justin take them down in the service because i knew i would cry.....I cried anyway!! But it was a nice thing to do and i am glad we did. We have also asked family and friends to paint pebbles and stones this year too. They will be taken to Isaac and laid around his bed with his Christmas decorations. It already looks fabulous with all the brightly coloured different stones there (again - i wish i could get photos on here) and i know there are more to come. It's lovely that people have taken time out to do this and remember Isaac. They will be treasured by us for many years.
Everyone seem to have little family traditions they do at Christmas, and i can see we have some developing that i will carry on with. My Isaac time at Christmas.
