There are a lot of things i want to write in here today but i am stopping myself because some of it is a rather religious rant about the ideals some people apply to God and don't seem to understand that i no longer do - but i have decided to keep that rant for another time. 'Oh joy' i hear you say, lol. Instead we will talk about birthdays!
It was my birthday yesterday....i was 32!! How on earth did that happen without me noticing?? It doesn't seem that long ago since my 18th and i had a big party and then my 21st, another big party. Now i am 32......no big parties for being 32.
We had a lovely weekend. Saturday Sandii and Stuart came over and spent the day with us. We went to Kirkstall abbey festival and watched men in funny uniforms charging at people in the beer tent. They had little flaps at the front of their trousers with 2 buttons and i am presuming that was for easy toilet access - it amused me greatly!! We watched some v talented cheerleaders and Sandii nearly wet herself when they were throwing each other around (and thats no word of a lie). We ate scones and drank tea in the Marvellous tea dance companies tent (v civilised) and then we came home and had a lovely bbq and played scrabble.
Sunday (my actual birthday) was spent with Sandi and Stuart in the morning and then we had a lovely relaxing day doing nothing much. We went to see Isaac, popped in to see my sister and her funny children who i love to bits and then went to church - followed by a meal at the Tapas Tree.
Now if someone had told me when i was 18 that i would one day be quite happy with a birthday walking around Kirkstall abbey, watching a couple dancing in a tea dance tent, playing scrabble and going to church on my birthday with no huge party, no mega expensive presents (though i did get some lovely presents and cards - thank you) and a sedate meal for 2 at the end of it i may have thought they were slightly wrong!! But i had a truly lovely day.
I admit i spent a fair few thoughts of the day thinking about what it would be like if Isaac was here. Would we be doing this still? - probably! Imagining what he would be like, would he be like some of the babies around his age sat in pushchairs crying and wanting to get out or like some of the others who were laughing and chuckling away watching everything going on around them. Would i be frantically trying to get him to keep his sun hat on whilst he was pulling it off? And the truth is i don't know! I don't know what kind of baby he would have been. I can imagine whatever i want in my head but it doesn't mean it would have happened.
Apparently Justin was a perfect baby. His mum tells me he was a v happy, contented baby who loved his little routine and had a nap every day at a certain time and never caused much fuss (unlike his sister who was not at all like this). He was always smiling and a joy to be around apparently.
And me? Well i slept an awful lot of the time according to my parents (not much has changed). I was v sleepy is about all my mum says when she talks about me as a baby - as i got older i was a little bit of a madam at times but at the age Isaac would be now all i seemed to do was sleep and eat!
I imagine Isaac would have been like that too. I imagine him to be a relaxed, laid back baby like his dad (who is so laid back sometimes he is practically horizontal). I could of course be totally wrong, he may have been a very demanding little boy but it is hard for me to think of him like that. I am aware that i kind of put him on a pedastal and that i (not always but mostly) think of him as a little angel. I am also aware that if we do ever go on to have more children that i may have to curb this indulgence a little as they will no doubt NOT be little angels all the time and it would be wrong of me to assume that Isaac would have been and compare. But for now I can indulge just a little i think.
I have been thinking of Isaac's upcoming birthday on August 10th. We are having a birthday party for him on the 7th and i am not really sure what to do. I want to make a cake, which may sound silly to some but it's kind of what i do - i make cakes, it makes me happy making cakes! And i want balloons because you can't have a party without balloons can you. But then what? I don't know. I haven't planned further than that. I don't even know who i am inviting. I am thinking about just letting it happen really. Just turning up at my sisters house and seeing who turns up with me. I know if i invite people and they don't or can't come i would get upset so maybe its just easier to not invite people and then i protect myself from getting hurt. And maybe i will be in such a state that i only want close family and friends to see me like that anyway! I know thats not really the way it should be done and i know if Isaac were here i would be in organisation superdrive but he isn't, and i am not.
Monday, 11 July 2011
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
My first ever post!
Well here i am - i think i just about managed it ok!! My first blog post. Not too sure what to write now though. Maybe a little about why i decided to write a blog in the first place.....
Well - basically i need somewhere to vent, somewhere to let things out and somewhere to just babble away with my ramblings without any interuptions. I have called it Isaac inspirations because everything i seem to do these days is inspired by Isaac. This blog will not be all about Isaac but he may well feature heavily as he features heavily in my life. It is also more than likely going to include camping, tents, folding campers, pink pretty girly things, knitting and cakes. Lots of cakes!! But today is an Isaac day.
Isaac is in my thoughts day in day out, i dream about him when i go to sleep. I think about him doing mundane everyday things and i think about him when we're out and about or when we're away with friends. I think about what it would be like if he were still here and if so how it would be different. I think about what i was doing this time last year when he was still with us (albeit inside me!) . Isaac has changed me, just as anyone who has a baby is changed i suppose. But Isaac has changed me in so so many ways.
His death has made me realise that things don't always go the way you assume they will go. Life is full of unexpected rubbishy things and you just kind of have to go with the flow. There is no use in planning a lot of things - just do them, you never know what is around the corner. It made me quite bitter for a while (and i still have moments like that) but i think i have moved on from that now. Isaac has also shown me that there are some truly wonderful people out there. Yes there are some rubbish people, people who just disappear because they don't know what to say (what kind of a cop out excuse is that?!) but there are some people who just kind of appear on the radar. The lovely people who talk about Isaac with me. The receptionist at the doctors who asked to see his photos The friend who sends me lovely cards to let me know she is thinking of me and sends Isaac some lovely gifts (including a cute red pebble painted by her daughter on holiday).
Its quite hard being a mummy but not having your baby with you. Its like i have all these things inside me that i want to do for him but i can't do it in a conventional way like other mummies because he isn't here. So i have to do things like make sure his garden at the cemetary is nice and has fresh flowers and is kept tidy. It's actually quite crap really when what i should be doing is teaching him to crawl and walk and seeing him laugh and taking him to toddler groups and figuring out what to buy him for his first birthday and spending sleepless nights comforting him because he has a tooth coming through etc etc, but its all i can do.
What i really want to be doing is taking him camping and seeing him crawling on the grass and enjoying being outside. Taking him out in his pram in the sunshine for walks with the dog and picnics. But instead his pram is still in it's box upstairs in his bedroom. His clothes are all still hung in his wardrobe and his nursing chair is sat unused with knitted teddies on it.
But enough of what i should be doing and all that - the truth is i am not and i can't and i have to move forward. I can't move on - and if one more person tells me to move on i am seriously in danger of hurting them - but i can move forward. I can move forward with Isaac in my life and make him a part of everything i do. I can try and think of the good things he has brought to me like compassion and a true understanding of what others in my situation are going through. He has made me a more caring person in a lot of ways and he has given to me a new way of looking at the world.
I am not looking forward to August but at the same time i know it is coming and coming fast. But i have some good friends and i have a fantastic boyfriend and we will get through it. We have no choice.
So - here's to July first. A month full of camping in my beloved folding camper Lady Penelope (and i am truly in love with her, lol). A month of planning for Isaac's party and a month of cakes and time away in my parents caravan.
Then we will deal with August!
Well - basically i need somewhere to vent, somewhere to let things out and somewhere to just babble away with my ramblings without any interuptions. I have called it Isaac inspirations because everything i seem to do these days is inspired by Isaac. This blog will not be all about Isaac but he may well feature heavily as he features heavily in my life. It is also more than likely going to include camping, tents, folding campers, pink pretty girly things, knitting and cakes. Lots of cakes!! But today is an Isaac day.
Isaac is in my thoughts day in day out, i dream about him when i go to sleep. I think about him doing mundane everyday things and i think about him when we're out and about or when we're away with friends. I think about what it would be like if he were still here and if so how it would be different. I think about what i was doing this time last year when he was still with us (albeit inside me!) . Isaac has changed me, just as anyone who has a baby is changed i suppose. But Isaac has changed me in so so many ways.
His death has made me realise that things don't always go the way you assume they will go. Life is full of unexpected rubbishy things and you just kind of have to go with the flow. There is no use in planning a lot of things - just do them, you never know what is around the corner. It made me quite bitter for a while (and i still have moments like that) but i think i have moved on from that now. Isaac has also shown me that there are some truly wonderful people out there. Yes there are some rubbish people, people who just disappear because they don't know what to say (what kind of a cop out excuse is that?!) but there are some people who just kind of appear on the radar. The lovely people who talk about Isaac with me. The receptionist at the doctors who asked to see his photos The friend who sends me lovely cards to let me know she is thinking of me and sends Isaac some lovely gifts (including a cute red pebble painted by her daughter on holiday).
Its quite hard being a mummy but not having your baby with you. Its like i have all these things inside me that i want to do for him but i can't do it in a conventional way like other mummies because he isn't here. So i have to do things like make sure his garden at the cemetary is nice and has fresh flowers and is kept tidy. It's actually quite crap really when what i should be doing is teaching him to crawl and walk and seeing him laugh and taking him to toddler groups and figuring out what to buy him for his first birthday and spending sleepless nights comforting him because he has a tooth coming through etc etc, but its all i can do.
What i really want to be doing is taking him camping and seeing him crawling on the grass and enjoying being outside. Taking him out in his pram in the sunshine for walks with the dog and picnics. But instead his pram is still in it's box upstairs in his bedroom. His clothes are all still hung in his wardrobe and his nursing chair is sat unused with knitted teddies on it.
But enough of what i should be doing and all that - the truth is i am not and i can't and i have to move forward. I can't move on - and if one more person tells me to move on i am seriously in danger of hurting them - but i can move forward. I can move forward with Isaac in my life and make him a part of everything i do. I can try and think of the good things he has brought to me like compassion and a true understanding of what others in my situation are going through. He has made me a more caring person in a lot of ways and he has given to me a new way of looking at the world.
I am not looking forward to August but at the same time i know it is coming and coming fast. But i have some good friends and i have a fantastic boyfriend and we will get through it. We have no choice.
So - here's to July first. A month full of camping in my beloved folding camper Lady Penelope (and i am truly in love with her, lol). A month of planning for Isaac's party and a month of cakes and time away in my parents caravan.
Then we will deal with August!
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