People keep asking me how i am doing (well some do, some just ignore me but hey ho) and i don't know how to answer them to be honest. I'm not really doing very well, but i am doing the best i can. But i am not sure they really want a true answer anyway so i say 'i'm ok' or 'i'm coping' and it seems to be the answer they want and they smile or something and then go away again. But what can i say instead? I'm never going to be the same again and i feel like my heart has been ripped to pieces - but i don't think they really want to hear that and i don't think they would know what to say to me if i did.
The things that get me through these times are as above, poems, friends and chocolate! I never used to be really a big poetry person. I went through a stage as a teenager writing moody poetry that i never showed anyone, but i was never really into poetry a lot. When Isaac died we were sent some really lovely cards from so many people. A lot of which i refused to read as the people that sent the condolance cards hadn't always sent a congratulations card when Isaac was born and that annoyed me. So all the condolance cards we got that didnt have a congratulations card from the same person didnt get read. They didn't get read at first but i did read a lot of them later as the anger subsided slowly.
Anyway...a lot of them had such beautiful poems in them. I have been reading some of them today going through Isaac's memory box and a lot of them just say what i want to say but can't put into words - they do it for me. Since losing Isaac i have met (in real life and online) lots of people that have gone through similar things, and joined a couple of support groups. There are often poems on these that just say how i feel so well. I will post a few of them at the end of this. Poems like this help me realise that i am not alone, that some people out there do understand how i am feeling.
Which brings me on to friends. Friends never cease to amaze me. Some amaze me by being so thoughtless. By saying the most thoughtless things or by just not saying anything. But then some amaze me by being just so lovely. Over the last few days since Isaac's birthday i have had some truly lovely photos sent from people releasing balloons and lanterns for Isaac, and people have lit candles for him and it means so much to me. One of the most thoughtful people is someone i have never even met in real life. She is lovely and has been so supportive to me over the last year. Joanne Mullholland you have meant so much to me and thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to my rants on the phone, being there and just generally being fab! And then another person is someone i only v vaguely remember from a childhood holiday a long time ago - but she just seem to know how i am feeling and when i need cheering up! Victoria Allen you are a star :) And thank you so much for Isaac's birthday card.
When Isaac was in hospital the nurses started a diary for him. They wrote in it how he was doing as i was too ill to see him and they wrote it as little letters from Isaac. The idea is that as the baby gets older they can read back and see what happened to them when they were babies, but Isaac's diary is just for us to look back on. There are some days that i wrote in it too. It makes me cry reading it but today i have been reading this one.
Weds 18th august 2010
Hello...
I have kept the doctors and nurses very busy over the last few days, and i have been very poorly but i am now much better. My ventilator has been turned down and the doctors are hoping to put me on a special machine called CPAP which i need to work harder and breath myself. At the moment though i am too sleepy and need to wake up a little so the nurses are slowly reducing my morphine. Mummy and daddy keep coming to visit me lots and they tell me how proud they are of me. My mummy is much better too now and it looks like we are both on the mend. Lots of love, Isaac xxx
There are also 4 pictures of Isaac taken by the staff that are in his diary at this point. He was doing so well then and we really though he was through the worst and we had turned a corner. Unfortunately just the next day he got ill and had to have an emergency operation on his bowels which set him back and he had to stay on the ventilator longer - but to me that diary post shows the positivity we all had. We truly thought at that point he would get through and be coming home.
As for the chocolate, well i have run out of chocolate :( I ate it all yesterday and have none left. Chocolate doesn't make everything better but it does give it a nice sugar coating and makes me happy for a few seconds :)
Poems
Ask my mum how she isby Paul Scully i think
My mummy tells a lot of lies
She never did before;
From now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more
Ask my mummy how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain
Ask my mummy how she is
She'll say 'I'm alright'
If that's the truth then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my mummy how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn't have a choice you see
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my mummy how she is
'I'm fine, i'm well, i'm coping'
For God's sake mummy just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine
But if you ask her how she is
She'll lie and say she's fine
I am here in heaven,
I cannot hug from here
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near
On the day we meet again
We'll smile and i'll be bold
I'll say 'You're lucky to get in here mummy
With all the lies you told'
The day i lost me too
Author unknown
Another anniversary of the day that I lost you
It's really very simple that day, I lost me too.
Although I try to find the me that I used to be
I will never find that person for she is lost to me.
I know it sounds confusing to those that have no clue
That when you lose a child, you also then lose you.
It sounds like one big riddle that I should work on through
But there is not an answer, not one thing that I can do
Grief is what has come to me and changed me from within
It has burrowed deep inside of me, like it's a second skin.
No one should live on this way but there was little choice
When grief was handed out to me I didn't have a voice.
I often wonder who I am since losing my sweet child
In the world in which we live in I've been forced into denial.
With every anniversary that marks another year
Are thoughts that come from others that my pain should disappear.
I am a mother that has lost a child, on a tragic day
With that loss it took my dreams and visions far away.
I would have chose to leave instead for life is not so good
For all that ever mattered was my son and motherhood.
They say there is a reason
Author unknown
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
My shoesAuthor unknown
I wear a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
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