Today, our little bean is a not so little 24 weeks!! We are now considered to be at a stage that is viable, should anything go wrong at this stage. I'm not really sure how i feel about that. I hate the word 'viable'. Its a horrible word, but i can see why they use it. Isaac was viable, it didn't help him much. Yet at the same time i still find myself strangely comforted by the fact that we have got to this stage.
I have conflicting emotions going on. On the one hand, it feels like another milestone that we have got past and that is good. On another it feels like it is getting closer and closer to the time we had Isaac, and that is so scary i can't even find the words to describe how scary that feels. It's a bit like, i allow myself to get excited, and then rain on my own parade by reminding myself what can still go wrong. But i can't help but do that. In some ways i HAVE to do that.
We are having a little girl this time. I am very excited about the pinkness i am now going to be able to spread around the house! I am quite a pink, fluffy person in general but at the moment my pinkness has been confined to the kitchen. It's the only room in my house that pink is really allowed. Well not anymore, hehehehe. See - i can get excited!
But i also have a tiny blanket, cardigan and matching hat set aside in case the worst should happen. And i am not sure that is normal behaviour for a 'normal' pregnant woman. I have even looked for tiny outfits available so that i know that i could get her something pretty to wear if the worst happened again.
Its like there is something in me that, every time i get excited, says 'Hey, don't forget what happened with Isaac, be prepared.'
And i miss Isaac. I miss him so much. I wonder often about how he would feel about having a little sister. Would he be excited? Would he be completely non-plussed and not at all bothered? Would he be jealous? How would i cope with 2 children to look after? I don't know. I may never know. I want him to be here and sharing this with us. I want to be able to have photos of both my babies together. But i can't have what i want, and that hurts.
We packed all Isaac's clothes away recently. Well not all, just the very obviously boy clothes. Our little girl will still have some of her brothers things, just as she would if he was still here. And maybe one day we will have another little boy and we will be able to unpack the tiny blue clothes we have packed away. But for now i am concentrating on the pink. My pink bundle will be told all about her big brother, and all about how fab he was and how he is looking out for her now. But she is a person in her own right. She is Isaac's little sister, not Isaac's replacement. We love her so much already, for who she is. She is our daughter and we are very excited to meet her. But hopefully not for a while yet.
So yeh, 24 weeks, baby seems very happy and well and is moving lots. I seem to be very well and my blood pressure is behaving. But i know that it doesn't mean anything, i know that it could all change.
