There are a lot of things i want to write in here today but i am stopping myself because some of it is a rather religious rant about the ideals some people apply to God and don't seem to understand that i no longer do - but i have decided to keep that rant for another time. 'Oh joy' i hear you say, lol. Instead we will talk about birthdays!
It was my birthday yesterday....i was 32!! How on earth did that happen without me noticing?? It doesn't seem that long ago since my 18th and i had a big party and then my 21st, another big party. Now i am 32......no big parties for being 32.
We had a lovely weekend. Saturday Sandii and Stuart came over and spent the day with us. We went to Kirkstall abbey festival and watched men in funny uniforms charging at people in the beer tent. They had little flaps at the front of their trousers with 2 buttons and i am presuming that was for easy toilet access - it amused me greatly!! We watched some v talented cheerleaders and Sandii nearly wet herself when they were throwing each other around (and thats no word of a lie). We ate scones and drank tea in the Marvellous tea dance companies tent (v civilised) and then we came home and had a lovely bbq and played scrabble.
Sunday (my actual birthday) was spent with Sandi and Stuart in the morning and then we had a lovely relaxing day doing nothing much. We went to see Isaac, popped in to see my sister and her funny children who i love to bits and then went to church - followed by a meal at the Tapas Tree.
Now if someone had told me when i was 18 that i would one day be quite happy with a birthday walking around Kirkstall abbey, watching a couple dancing in a tea dance tent, playing scrabble and going to church on my birthday with no huge party, no mega expensive presents (though i did get some lovely presents and cards - thank you) and a sedate meal for 2 at the end of it i may have thought they were slightly wrong!! But i had a truly lovely day.
I admit i spent a fair few thoughts of the day thinking about what it would be like if Isaac was here. Would we be doing this still? - probably! Imagining what he would be like, would he be like some of the babies around his age sat in pushchairs crying and wanting to get out or like some of the others who were laughing and chuckling away watching everything going on around them. Would i be frantically trying to get him to keep his sun hat on whilst he was pulling it off? And the truth is i don't know! I don't know what kind of baby he would have been. I can imagine whatever i want in my head but it doesn't mean it would have happened.
Apparently Justin was a perfect baby. His mum tells me he was a v happy, contented baby who loved his little routine and had a nap every day at a certain time and never caused much fuss (unlike his sister who was not at all like this). He was always smiling and a joy to be around apparently.
And me? Well i slept an awful lot of the time according to my parents (not much has changed). I was v sleepy is about all my mum says when she talks about me as a baby - as i got older i was a little bit of a madam at times but at the age Isaac would be now all i seemed to do was sleep and eat!
I imagine Isaac would have been like that too. I imagine him to be a relaxed, laid back baby like his dad (who is so laid back sometimes he is practically horizontal). I could of course be totally wrong, he may have been a very demanding little boy but it is hard for me to think of him like that. I am aware that i kind of put him on a pedastal and that i (not always but mostly) think of him as a little angel. I am also aware that if we do ever go on to have more children that i may have to curb this indulgence a little as they will no doubt NOT be little angels all the time and it would be wrong of me to assume that Isaac would have been and compare. But for now I can indulge just a little i think.
I have been thinking of Isaac's upcoming birthday on August 10th. We are having a birthday party for him on the 7th and i am not really sure what to do. I want to make a cake, which may sound silly to some but it's kind of what i do - i make cakes, it makes me happy making cakes! And i want balloons because you can't have a party without balloons can you. But then what? I don't know. I haven't planned further than that. I don't even know who i am inviting. I am thinking about just letting it happen really. Just turning up at my sisters house and seeing who turns up with me. I know if i invite people and they don't or can't come i would get upset so maybe its just easier to not invite people and then i protect myself from getting hurt. And maybe i will be in such a state that i only want close family and friends to see me like that anyway! I know thats not really the way it should be done and i know if Isaac were here i would be in organisation superdrive but he isn't, and i am not.
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