Well here i am - i think i just about managed it ok!! My first blog post. Not too sure what to write now though. Maybe a little about why i decided to write a blog in the first place.....
Well - basically i need somewhere to vent, somewhere to let things out and somewhere to just babble away with my ramblings without any interuptions. I have called it Isaac inspirations because everything i seem to do these days is inspired by Isaac. This blog will not be all about Isaac but he may well feature heavily as he features heavily in my life. It is also more than likely going to include camping, tents, folding campers, pink pretty girly things, knitting and cakes. Lots of cakes!! But today is an Isaac day.
Isaac is in my thoughts day in day out, i dream about him when i go to sleep. I think about him doing mundane everyday things and i think about him when we're out and about or when we're away with friends. I think about what it would be like if he were still here and if so how it would be different. I think about what i was doing this time last year when he was still with us (albeit inside me!) . Isaac has changed me, just as anyone who has a baby is changed i suppose. But Isaac has changed me in so so many ways.
His death has made me realise that things don't always go the way you assume they will go. Life is full of unexpected rubbishy things and you just kind of have to go with the flow. There is no use in planning a lot of things - just do them, you never know what is around the corner. It made me quite bitter for a while (and i still have moments like that) but i think i have moved on from that now. Isaac has also shown me that there are some truly wonderful people out there. Yes there are some rubbish people, people who just disappear because they don't know what to say (what kind of a cop out excuse is that?!) but there are some people who just kind of appear on the radar. The lovely people who talk about Isaac with me. The receptionist at the doctors who asked to see his photos The friend who sends me lovely cards to let me know she is thinking of me and sends Isaac some lovely gifts (including a cute red pebble painted by her daughter on holiday).
Its quite hard being a mummy but not having your baby with you. Its like i have all these things inside me that i want to do for him but i can't do it in a conventional way like other mummies because he isn't here. So i have to do things like make sure his garden at the cemetary is nice and has fresh flowers and is kept tidy. It's actually quite crap really when what i should be doing is teaching him to crawl and walk and seeing him laugh and taking him to toddler groups and figuring out what to buy him for his first birthday and spending sleepless nights comforting him because he has a tooth coming through etc etc, but its all i can do.
What i really want to be doing is taking him camping and seeing him crawling on the grass and enjoying being outside. Taking him out in his pram in the sunshine for walks with the dog and picnics. But instead his pram is still in it's box upstairs in his bedroom. His clothes are all still hung in his wardrobe and his nursing chair is sat unused with knitted teddies on it.
But enough of what i should be doing and all that - the truth is i am not and i can't and i have to move forward. I can't move on - and if one more person tells me to move on i am seriously in danger of hurting them - but i can move forward. I can move forward with Isaac in my life and make him a part of everything i do. I can try and think of the good things he has brought to me like compassion and a true understanding of what others in my situation are going through. He has made me a more caring person in a lot of ways and he has given to me a new way of looking at the world.
I am not looking forward to August but at the same time i know it is coming and coming fast. But i have some good friends and i have a fantastic boyfriend and we will get through it. We have no choice.
So - here's to July first. A month full of camping in my beloved folding camper Lady Penelope (and i am truly in love with her, lol). A month of planning for Isaac's party and a month of cakes and time away in my parents caravan.
Then we will deal with August!
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