A lot has happened since my last post. We have had all sorts of hospital appointments, and tests, and results. We have also had a very good result from one test. We are expecting our rainbow baby!
We are now 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Wow! There have been some points over the last 18 months when i thought this would never happen. We would never get this far again, but we have. After Isaac died, we so desperately wanted to have another baby. Not because we wanted to replace Isaac, we could never do that. Isaac was his own person, a very special little boy. Nobody could ever replace him. But we did want to have a brother or sister for him. He was a very wanted baby, and that baby shaped hole that was there before Isaac, is still there. Its not an Isaac shaped hole, i know there is always going to be an empty part of my life that Isaac should fill. But it is a hole, and we want it filled.
Trying to conceive after losing a baby is so hard. You feel so many emotions all at once. Hope, worry, scared, guilt that you feel the need to do this after you already had a child. Its scary. And then we had 2 miscarriages. Both before 12 weeks. We were referred for tests and something came back. We weren't expecting it, it was a huge surprise!! After all, we had Isaac, how could there be anything wrong? But there was, and we were told we had a 50/50 chance of a miscarriage before 12 weeks. Do you know what I immediately thought when we were told this? I thought 'see, this just proves that Isaac was special'. And he was, he was so, so special. He was our first baby, and he will always, always have a huge part of my heart just for him.
But now, he is going to have to learn to share me, lol. Because he has sent us a rainbow. When i first saw the term 'rainbow baby' i wondered what it meant. And then i saw a quote someone posted on a support forum and it made me cry. It's beautiful and explains it so well.
"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.
So we have got over the first hurdle. We are past the 12 weeks scariness. We have had 3 scans already, and have another one booked in just over a week. We have done it, we are the good 50% and not the bad one this time. We know that we have a long way to go yet. We still have the chance of me getting pre-eclampsia again, but i am being well looked after and my consultant is very good. I have to try and be positive. Its not easy! I have so many things going through my head, so many things that i know could go wrong, so many things that could just happen and cannot be prevented. But then i sit myself down and say to myself 'you are having this baby, there is no reason you shouldn't this time, this time we have every chance of bringing our baby home.'
And you know what......this baby will have the most wonderful big brother looking out for her/him. Their very own guardian angel.
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